"Cleaver to my

"Cleaver to my

Grey Pele

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[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

(no subject)	[Aug. 29th, 2009\|03:42 am]
Two things. One: I was thinking: do I believe in love? Of course, the answer depends on the definition... and I will say that I do not... only because the multiple definitions I subscribe to are still at war against each other.... I am still operating on "existential crisis" mode when it comes to beliefs. I honestly can't remember the second thing now. I'm convinced that I need to redefine the self and love. Oh. I was thinking about archives... for those of you (anyone here really) that do not follow up on me... I'm in a graduate library science program. I am thinking, abnormally, about archives. Does anyone know: how long does your content stay up on livejournal? how long after inactivity? what are the current guidelines regarding preservation?
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I think I'm back	[Aug. 18th, 2009\|02:21 am]
As Myspace and Facebook and Education fulfilled a need of expression in my life, I'm finding the three no longer adequate. I feel like... like writing in a journal. I now: -live in Avondale (a NW Chicago neighborhood) with my boyfriend -still work at Trader Joes, and am happy there -have (reluctantly) begun a graduate program at /uiuc for Library and Information Science -live a second life, vicariously through my sister who has a husband, two puppies, and a house in the suburbs. mmm, and I've been hearing those voices again--the characters who I've given birth to. I have that feeling like I might be writing soon, at it excites me. Also, I have a great desire to do a Bob Ross painting. I think I would like to continue these updates, though in an old-school Kimberly Zine form for readability and focus. This, however, will remain old school: sprawling and dreamy, like the image of Sherilyn I have thumbnailed as my own.
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(no subject)	[Aug. 8th, 2009\|02:18 am]
last updated 148 weeks ago. imagine you were told you'd be locked away for 148 weeks or restricted from sugar or movies or books or sex. would you imagine yourself a different person? irreversibly altered, stunted, or (in contrast) purified? or would you imagine your self exactly as you are now, your clothes, your hair, your companions the only things to change?
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READ THIS	[Oct. 1st, 2006\|11:52 pm]
Fuck art x-change. Male x-change, now, hotties. Send word(s), art, and trash to: 1940 N Kedzie ave Chicago, IL 60647 If you want it copyright free published, write "YES" on envelope. It you want it copyrighted, just send, OR, send "NO". Aka zine opportunities. Reply guaranteed after 3 days w or w/o copyright preference. (Reply in unique form in accordance w/sender) I: a) will publish everything (including visual art, literary art, moosic, trash, recipes, and material) and b) will reply to everything within 3 days w or w/o copyright permission via snail mail. Please provide return address. IF you don't understand: here is what is goin' on: I'm distributing a zine on October 28th, 2006 with art and lit provided by you motha fuckas (all over Chicago/world) and/or exchanging art/lit with YOU on a PERSONAL level. Please send submissions to above address with YES or NO. YES gets publication (not guaranteed) NO gets guaranteed = exchanged (guaranteed for accepted and non-accepted submissions, aka all submissions). Please indicate publication name, if any. Be aware, I will, at this point, accept and distribute all forms of media. I am luckily aware of the lack of a GOOD free zine in Chicago. Please respond. Lets be great. (NOTICE: I AM MAINLY INTERESTED IN COPYRIGHT FREE ART/FICTION/NONFICTION due to the belief in free art. BUT, I am INTERESTED IN CREATING A ZINE w/both) please send. Why are you waiting? Love, Kimber. 6308026668 KNorri4@uic.edu greypele8@yahoo.com www.myspace.com/greypele
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s o e mot ional	[Aug. 15th, 2006\|09:09 am]
Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep Im tired and i I want to go to bed Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep And then leave me alone Dont try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone Dont feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart I will feel so glad to go Sing me to sleep Sing me to sleep I dont want to wake up On my own anymore Sing to me Sing to me I dont want to wake up On my own anymore Dont feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go There is another world There is a better world Well, there must be Well, there must be Well, there must be Well, there must be Well ... Bye bye Bye bye Bye ...You always wanted a lover I only wanted a job I've always worked for my living How am I gonna get through? How am I gonna get through? I come here looking for money (Got to have it) And end up living with love, oh, oh Now you left me with nothing (Can't take it) How am I gonna get through? How am I gonna get through? I bought you drinks, I brought you flowers I read you books and talked for hours Every day, so many drinks Such pretty flowers, so tell me What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? What have I, what have I, what have I ... Since you went away I've been hanging around I've been wondering why I'm feeling down You went away, it should make me feel better But I don't know, oh How I'm gonna get through? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? You always wanted me to be something I wasn't You always wanted too much, oh, oh Now I can do what I want to - forever How am I gonna get through? How am I gonna get through?At night, the people come and go They talk too fast, and walk too slow Chasing time from hour to hour I pour the drinks and crush the flowers What have I, what have I done to deserve this? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? What have I, what have I, what have I ... Since you went away I've been hanging around I've been wondering why I'm feeling down You went away, it should make me feel better But I don't know, oh How I'm gonna get through? (baby) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? (baby) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? (baby) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? (tell me) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? (baby) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? How I'm gonna get through? (yeah) What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Gonna get through? Gonna get through? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? I'm gonna get through, right? What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? We don't have to fall apart, we don't have to fight What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? We don't need to go to hell and back every night What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? You never ever left me, baby, think of me... What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Oh, babe What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? We don't have to fall apart, we don't have to fight What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? We don't need to go to hell and back every night What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Gonna get through, baby, I'm gonna get What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Forever What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Gonna get through, baby, yeah, What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Gonna get through, get through, baby, ooh What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? Maybe I didn't love you Quite as often as I could have Maybe I didn't treat you Quite as good as I should have If I made you feel second best Girl I'm sorry I was blind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Maybe I didn't hold you All those lonely, lonely times And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you're mine Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Tell me, tell me that your Sweet love hasn't died And give me Give me one more chance To keep you satisfied satisfied Little things I should have Said and done I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind.... Don't wanna hear the news What's going on What's coming through I don't wanna know Don't wanna know Just wanna hide away Make my my escape I want the world To leave me alone Feels like I feel too much I've seen too much For a little while I want to forget I wanna be numb I don't wanna feel this pain no more Wanna lose touch I just wanna go and lock the door I don't wanna think I don't wanna feel nothing I wanna be numb I just wanna be Wanna be numb Can't find no space to breathe World's closing in Right on me now Well that's how it feels That's how it feels Too much light There's too much sound Wanna turn it off Wanna shut it out I need some relief Think that like I think too much I've seen too much There is just too much Thought in my head I wanna be numb I don't wanna feel this pain no more Wanna lose touch I just wanna go and lock the door I don't wanna think I don't wanna feel nothing I wanna be numb I just wanna be Wanna be Taken away from all the madness Need to escape Escape from the pain I'm out on the edge About to lose my mind For a little while For a little while I wanna be numb I don't wanna think I don't wanna feel nothing I wanna be numb I don't wanna feel this pain no more Wanna lose touch I just wanna go and lock the door I don't wanna think I don't wanna feel nothing I wanna be numb I just wanna be Wanna be numb I just wanna be Wanna be numb Good times for a change See, the luck Ive had Can make a good man Turn bad So please please please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time Havent had a dream in a long time See, the life Ive had Can make a good man bad So for once in my life Let me get what I want Lord knows, it would be the first time Lord knows, it would be the first time I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore I just know that I'm harder to console I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me But the key is a question of control Can you say what you're trying to play anyway I just pay while you're breaking all the rules All the signs that I find have been underlined Devils thrive on the drive that is fueled All this running around, well it's getting me down Just give me a pain that I'm used to I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive You just need to achieve something that rings true There's a hole in your soul like an animal With no conscience, repentance unknown Close your eyes, pay the price for your paradise Devils feed on the seeds that are sown I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real No mistaking the faking, I care With a prayer in the air I will leave it there On a note full of hope not despair All this running around, well it's getting me down Just give me a pain that I'm used to I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive You just need to achieve something that rings true All this running around, well it's getting me down Just give me a pain that I'm used to I don't need to believe all the dreams you concieve You just need to achieve something that rings true You told me you loved me I know where and when Come sunrise, surprise surprise, the joke's on me again. I know you don't love me, You know i don't care. Keep it hidden better. Did I say the world is fair. I thought I was just the guy for you and it would never end. I thought we were supposed to be like glue, I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought you were my boyfriend. Love or not, I've always got ten guys on whom I can depend. And if you're not mine, one less is nine, get wise, I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought you were my boyfriend. I just hope you're happy, Stringing me along. While you're stringing. I'm here singing this, my saddest song. I wish I could see you, I wish I could sleep. Should I freak out? Should I seek out Someone I could keep? I thought I was just the guy for you and it would never end. I thought we were supposed to be like glue, I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought you were my boyfriend. Love or not, I've always got ten guys on whom I can depend. And if you're not mine, one less is nine, get wise, I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought you were my boyfriend. I wanted you tonight. I walked around a lot. Wishing you were here to keep me from the sleeping With anyone who might Want me or even not. Some guys have a beer and they'll do anything, anything, anything. I thought I was just the guy for you and it would never end. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought we were supposed to be like glue, I thought you were my boyfriend. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought you were my boyfriend. Love or not, I've always got ten guys on whom I can depend. (thought you were my boyfriend) And if you're not mine, one less is nine, get wise, I thought you were my boyfriend. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought you were my boyfriend. I thought I was just the guy for you and it would never end. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought we were supposed to be like glue, I thought you were my boyfriend. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought you were my boyfriend. Love or not I've always got ten guys on whom I can depend (thought you were my boyfriend) And if you're not mine, one less is nine, get wise I thought you were my boyfriend. (thought you were my boyfriend) I thought you were my boyfriend.
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(no subject)	[Jul. 24th, 2006\|03:52 am]
Dear Travis and Kyle, A) I miss you. I've been really into flash fiction, but I haven't written anything in four months. I'm about to start at UIC, and will be workshopping with strangers, so I need to get back in the groove. I've been drinking, but I shared my work with a writer friend who thinks I should trust the reader more. So, when I was writting before I was trying to stay out of my head and be clear. but, I wrote something tonight while keeping the "trust the reader" thing in mind that I think doesn't give the reader enough enough to go on. I trust the reader too much with this one because it is too close to my emotions, you know? tell me when you think, what do I need? If you are travis, skip to section q, if you are kyle, continue to the next section. next section) what the fuck are you up to nowadays? I miss you like crazy. I'd like to talk on the phone soon, actually. okay? things have been really intense for me, but great. I think I'm going to do really well in life, for me, for a while. I work 3-11pm m,w,TH,SA,SU next week. I'd like to talk, wouldn't you? Q) Travis. Berlin or Neo's soon +you. please. call, text, or email. both of you and everyone involved or not, my new e-mail is KNorri4@uic.edu here is the story, yo. Nourishment I have options. One: a salami and mustard sandwich, half eaten, one-day old, soggy but salty, a gift. Two: White Hen (ex Pantry, or “Pant y,” as I had previously known it) oven-roasted turkey on wheat—mayo, lettuce, an orange tomato I could do without. The White Henwich is fresh(er, perhaps), but if I don’t eat that salami now, I’m not going to eat it tomorrow. In fact, I’ll put it off until my roommate starts leaving notes or dropping hints about a missing package of “Chicken-Flavored” Ramen and a mysterious, rotten smell. Never mind her separated milk in the back of the fridge, or her constant misuse of contractions (e.g., “There’s a lot of dirty dishes that aren’t mine,” or, “There’s so many times I just want to fuck to get it over with”). She shared her toothbrush with me when I ran away from home to live with her for two weeks in eighth grade. So, I’m thinking salami—but if I eat this now, it won’t be there tomorrow, and I don’t know if I can live without the gift of a sandwich, prepared just the way I like it, with a diagonal cut, on the same brand of bread (Wonder) that my mom used to make peanut butter sandwiches with (trimmed with a large red cookie-cutter in the shape of a heart). Maybe if I don’t eat, I’ll never have to decide. There will always be the Henwich, worth…36 minutes of office work, mainly data entry and filing, and the salami, diagonally-cut, on Wonderbread, that, if inspected closely, reveals finger indentations that look, and taste, and feel like nourishment.
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cheese ball

[May. 29th, 2006|11:40 pm]

[

Current Music

Grandma Sitting in the Corner with a Penis in Her Hand-Frogs

]

I had the pleasure of spending time with Chicago poet Martha Vertreace-Doody. She intruiged me with her view towards sestinas: ideas can be repeated and continued. So I've written a sestina using her philosophy, but found it to be very difficult nonetheless. Another cheese-ball sestina used as an exercise in form.

The Way My Fingers Ache: A Sestina about Fingers and Aching, but not Finger Aches, Done in the Style of Martha Vertreace-Doody

Today my fingers ache.
They dug into the bitter ground
where babies die in infancy
where the earth is quiet
and lonely mothers eat packed lunches, where we
froze as a raccoon sucked the water from a ghost-child’s feet.

I am talking about our hands.
when you push out your head aches
with calloused fingertips I
stuff my palms with wedges of sky
and the puffs of a sigh: loud,
anxious, childlike ..
It evokes my juvenile
self to want your fingers
locked in mine. Our muted
words aching
behind lips and eyes that ground
us.

In the cemetery you
were boyish
and bravely breathed unfamiliar sky
through timid lips
that do not say “ache,”
but let it be sung.

I’ve thought of hands screaming
signs that I
cannot hear but ache
to feel with young
eyes
that no longer nervously fix to the ground.

I think of the phoenix rising in a night sky;
roaring
over faces of men and women with outstretched tongues
tasting our
rain; ancient
and filled with an aching.

As the ground pushes against my soles
I think of the quiet agelessness
Of the way my fingers ache.

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One day I'll try so hard to forget you.

[Sep. 27th, 2004|08:34 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	horny	]
[	Current Music	\|	black heart procession/queens of the stone age	]

It was never worth it to wake up between two dreams and shift in the loneliest darkness like some sad dog whose Death stalks slowly. Weighing between two hands those few minutes when I feel some sort of clarity and comfort and the hours spent denying even the slightest possibility of said feelings, weighing those between two little sweaty hands in the lonely darkness is nauseating. There is a soundtrack, the trapped flies on the walls. Sticky little lines, duplicated again and again. Little honey stickiness, little wet sweetness, the very lifeblood of these damn little insects all over these walls at night. Believe me, believe me, you, if I could I'd scrape the damn sticky honey from the walls. I'd burn the walls, I'm burn the honey, I'd tell these flies what they aught to be eating and send them far from here. I wake up to hear their cruel buzzing, their busy diseased chatter, their sick wings flapping against the dry crust of decay, these thick piles of them, dead, living, all stuck together. I'd hear them flapping and buzzing and I'd take my sweaty little hands to pierce the air and try to feel those few minutes, so desperately I've tried. I had take my eyes out. Just took them right out. That damn lonely darkness, so ugly between my fingers. And I took the flies, stuck them right in my ears. You should have heard the buzzing, so angry and so ready, they ate it all and I told them, oh I screamed it, I told them what they had done to me. Now there is only a pain between my legs, and that smell.

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(no subject)	[Sep. 18th, 2004\|12:31 pm]
I done gone and hurt my neck. woke up the other day and couldn't move. doc says my vertebrae in my neck be all jammed up. says i put a mighty load of stress on this neck, did some head twistin' (made me holler some) and some of that e-lec-tro therapy. good golly gee, another fine weekend of watching the food network. i am looking forward to fillin up at the ol mongolian bbq, but I ain't in much shape for much. hot damn! I have a new email, i'm not so easy to reach for a while, there's no phone but check it out greypele@yahoo.com
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i am not my brother's keeper	[Sep. 12th, 2004\|11:09 am]
I've been very depressed lately. I moved out of my house into shawn's for a little while, things have been a little hectic but that doesn't excuse the way I am feeling and behaving. I'm terrible today, probably ruined shawn's day, but I didn't mean to. I just feel that pull that I feel when I'm like this, and I don't ever know how to get out.. and when I do how will I deal with the damage? by being upset some more? I want to take back every time I've been upset like this. It might be easy to pretend that I am ok, but then I feel overwhelmed, and I guess my best bet is to try and ignore it all. I mean this is the same old thing, check my journal every few months and insert all that crap here, it is all the same emotions, similar behaviors and thoughts. It's all so redundant and sickeningly trite, and I am so angry about that. I hate this stupid journal, you know, because it can be used (and most often is used) so selfishly. This, here, is selfish. I am in no way bettering the person that I am by whining in any form. Actually, I hate the internet all together. I think that it is unhealthy for many people who isolate themselves, I think it is a cheap way of communication that gives superficial meaning to relationships. I think that people use computers to cheat on their spouses or significant others at such a great rate. of course there are many many great things about the internet, but for people who aren't totally sound of mind it stunts their emotional and social development. I like Kyle's journal the best, I've decided. There are several friends I'd like to see today, I don't have anything to do until six, but I've already let my sour/self destructive/utterly hopeless state of being (it's not quite a mood) mangle the spirit of one individual, so maybe it is self exploration day. I need to learn how to stop worrying and love the life. I am not myself.
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(no subject)	[Aug. 8th, 2004\|08:10 pm]
Hey, I'm really sorry that I haven't kept in touch with anyone. It is really hard for my computer to work, it actually took me an hour just to sign on and do this post. I don't worry myself over my computer because I feel so busy with other things. I am still working fulltime at the theater, BUT... and this is important... my mom sold my house. So I won't be living here as of September 10th. I don't know where I will be, I'm sad to say. Jason and I are looking for apartments right now, but around here a 2 bedroom is about 800-900 and I make about 800 (take home after taxes and insurance). SO... I need a new job that pays decently, if anyone has any ideas AND/OR if anyone knows of any cheap, but not scary, apartments, please please let me know. Which brings me to another point... I am cancelling my aol account as soon as I sign off... however, I will have it for the rest of this month I'm sure. I don't know where my email will be... does anyone know of one that won't expire like hotmail does? I've been thinking about a lot of you lately. Also thinking about people who probably don't read this anymore, and those that never did at all. I seem so alive in all of my memories of you. I feel deed now, deed, empty, and boring. It is hard to think of myself as anyone or anything, but I remember some things that remind me of parts of me that are simply away, not dead. For example, I was thinking about fighting in the snow with Eric at NIU as if that me was someone else who is still roaming around a wintery college campus with nothing but a fuzzy pink hoody. I think a lot about Brian and all of the things that we did, and that is one of my favorites because I felt really exciting and independent then, and I don't really feel that right now. But with all of those great traits I find in myself through other people, I still had faults that were to apparent to me that I could hardly see the things that were good. Now it is almost too hard to see the negetives of my past selves... so the things that are good now are good, and they feel good, and I love them.. but the things that are bad I can name, and list, and poke with a mental finger. The ways that I am lacking I have found richness in through others before just as the wonderful things I have in my spirit now were previously lacking. If I could take those little bits of me back I would feel more whole, more together and myself. I'm not sure how to do that, but I do know that I miss you. I miss you for the way I was with you and I miss you for you. I have known so many amazing people in my life, some I know I'll never see again, some who I know I will talk to, even if once every other year, for the rest of my life. Laura and Heather I wil probably never see, Dan and Sean I'm afraid we've let too much time pass. Kyle and Patrick I will talk to forever no matter where they are or how long we go without talking. adam and jeff I haven't talked to in so long, I hope they aren't lost from me. eric, too. oh, I don't know where I wanted to go with this other than to work some things out for myself. someone I know just died of a drug overdose, I'm very sorry to his family and close friends. I just saw rear window, vertigo, and Annie Hall. See them all, but as a big Woody Allen fan who has just seen one of his best, see Annie Hall. all of these things, plus finding pictures and notes while packing, have made me think a lot on this post when I didn't mean to. I really like the two new 48sin songs, especially the first one. I'm going to go slow down a bit. That reminds me, the only way to get ahold of me in the next month for sure is my cell phone 6308026668
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(no subject)	[Jul. 13th, 2004\|09:44 am]
I step out of honeycombs to stub my toe, this wasn't intended. I decide that I'm pretty skilled at hurting my feet, and slip into the quiet. I had become accustomed to an empty room once, but in cyclical sleeping patterns it is easy to forget, these people, to me, are not connecting train cars. I pretend that there is no train and roll onto my stomach. Thinking about the purple light again, the swirls that were not right and the animal noises and even things from years ago in my dreams keep me tossing and turning now. I see the dimness of those damn train lights that blur the swirls and clock lights and a hand on the small of my back. My lugs fill with air like empty pillows and release like everything else. I'm reaching out and crouching down to avoid the ghosts that pass through this place.
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do you still smoke and or drink

[Jun. 17th, 2004|07:43 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	\|	in your dreams	]

Let's see if I even remember how to post an image. I've been pretty anti-computer... but I'm starting to feel a little.. anti social...
I'm not sure.. some thinking maybe, just resting in the dark.
there are some things here that have been uncovered, little tender sleepy things, but i just wanted to say hello and show you my hair, I have it pulled back and it pulls back quite messy, but it is getting long, no?

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(no subject)	[Apr. 8th, 2004\|06:13 pm]
I am 21 I may be a model in the fashion show at a chicago goth con called Convergence thanks to travis my hair is getting long i need a new job we just put buddie, my dog, to sleep more later.
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